from then to today

this was my first weekend in my new home. i feel good about my new space. i was given freedom to paint and decorate as i please which brought me not only late nights and paint cans but fulfillment too. this new home needs to be my safe place...a place where i can heal, re-discover myself, grow, create, be inspired, live, breath, and find peace in. i think i have found the most perfect place for just that.

it's hard to trace back how exactly i found myself here...with a new address and a new life. these past four months have been a blur. they were full of a wide array of emotions; hope & love, loss & despair, and anger & hurt to name a few. today i'm feeling so proud of myself for working through much of the sadness and focusing on the path ahead of me, though at times the darkness still will creep in. it's odd to me that i find myself still unsure of what happened. i can only tell my story....

in april we found ourselves expecting our first child. a child that was planned and a child that we were both extremely happy about. 11 weeks into my pregnancy i miscarried our baby. i'm not sure if it will ever stop hurting...i wanted so badly to hold that child, love it, care for it, and be it's mom. it was the hardest thing i have endured, both physically and emotionally. i remember moments where i felt completely numb and empty. my heart was broken...it still is. i will forever honour that life that grew within me, though it was short i know it could feel how much i loved it. sweet baby you have left a imprint on my heart....for always.

{at 10 weeks...how i wish i could have wrapped my arms around you wee one....i love you}

in as few as one week following the loss of the baby my husband, the person i had loved unconditionally and was completely committed to, became disengaged from me and from our marriage. i think back to those days that drifted into weeks and later months. i was so sad, lonely, emotional, needy, and weak. i needed to feel his support as i grieved the loss of the baby. for whatever his reasons were, he was unable to be there for me. then & now, i am thankful for the love & support that was extended to me by my family & friends. there are so many amazing people in my life that love me so much...this is truly something that i will treasure forever.

i knew at the 'beginning of the end' that things would never be the same. he was changed and was different. 10+ years of loving this man and i no longer recognized him. it was scary and unsettling to me. how could he have been so cold towards me when i was so broken? why didn't he turn to me for support if he was hurting? this i feel certain i will never really know. in late september he declared his wishes to part ways. though the reasons why were never clearly relayed to me. i didn't understand why then or now. oddly, i don't want to know anymore. i know the outcome of his feelings and actions and perhaps the whys are better left for him to live with.

so here i am. though i'm not naive to the fact that after all of those years of loving him the pain of this loss will completely disintegrate, i do know that it lessens with time. i have already felt that within me. i know that i'm strong, resilient, and brave...i am full of love and hope. i believe firmly in god's love for me and surrender myself to his plan. i know he has great things in store for me. i trust in that. if my heart is open and full of love, love will find it's way to me....

stay tuned

hello my lovelies;

i anticipate that my long absence is drawing to a close shortly! i have had lots on the go the last few months, but am looking forward to getting back to my regular routine. i have so much to share with you...thoughts on my life as it is today, thoughts on my past, being grateful, home making, creative outlets, and most importantly moving forward.....

so pull up a chair, pour a warm cup of cocoa and let me share with you what life looks like now for me. don't forget the marshmallows!
cheers!
k

star gazing

yesterday morning around 6.00 i got up to let luka out. this seemed to stir the other furry creatures in the house and shortly after i was followed outside by mike & kip, and mom & cricket. {we don't have a fenced yard at the farm, and we have 3 dogs which require supervision as their listening skills leave much to be desired} mom commented on the big dipper, asking if grandpa had ever pointed it out to us. we both agreed that he had, though i mentioned that i still can't ever seem to locate it. looking up, the sky was so clear and the stars shone so brightly. mom showed us where it was and as i gazed up i was remembering my grandpa. in the darkness of morning stillness surrounded us. peace. as we were looking intently at the big dipper a shooting star went right through the middle of it! it was this amazing moment in time which i will never forget. i felt him there with us and it made me feel happy and sad all at the same time. i missed him but i'm so thankful for the sign sweet grandpa of mine...

{photo credit}

alexcmei

honesty for ivy

ivy over at inspirations by ivy choose me to give an honest scrap award to! i landed upon ivy's blog a while back and instantly her spot became a daily stop for me. she shares delicious snippets of inspiration and has been so supportive to me in special comments to posts that have been very personal. i have appreciated her kind words so much.

the honest scrap award goes like this:
i share 10 honest things about myself here and then i pass the award onto 7 more bloggers.



1. i only wash my hair every 3rd day, though i've been known to go 4 days. i rock a curly bun much of the time and my hair just never gets greasy. i suppose i'm lucky this way. the benefits of this is my hair is healthier, i save on the cost of hair products, and i don't have to take time each morning to do my hair from 'scratch' as i call it. the drawback is that by the end of the 3rd day my curls are pretty limp and i have uncontrollable fuzzies popping up here and there.

2. i repeat the same stories time and time again, though i will say that this is something that i can't really help...i've come across it honestly. my grandpa was a great story teller; i could listen to his stories over and over again...this was handed down to my mom who handed it down to me. i pretend much of the time that i haven't heard a repeated story when my mom starts to tell me, just as i know she pretends she has never heard my stories before. i like this silent agreement that we have. it's always such a let down when people stop me and announce 'you already told me that' {insert awkward silence}

3. i have a fabric fetish. if i see fabric that i like...i have to buy it. i often don't have a plan for the fabric i just know i want it. this has resulted in fabric a plenty and no projects on the go.

4. i cry easily. i cry when i am mad, happy or sad. it bothers me the most when i start to cry when i'm mad though, because generally i'm trying to make my point clear and that's when the hot tears start to roll down my cheeks. how can people take me seriously when i start to tear up? argh.

5. i started my baby clothes collection when i started working at baby gap in 2000. clearly i was far from having a baby of my own, but i got a great discount and i couldn't help myself....i always made the excuse that i would give them away for presents as friends and family of mine would start to have babies of their own, though deep down i knew i would never part with those pieces. i love to go through them and refold them according to size and colour. from the time i was a little girl i loved playing dolls and my mom would make me sweet dolly clothes. even way back then i knew that i really wanted to be a mom.

6. not only do i let my dog sleep on my bed with me...i let him sleep under the covers. he is snuggly, soft, fuzzy, warm, and most importantly a non-shedder...i can't help it, i just love him so much.

7. i hate the word period. if i tell my mom i'm not feeling well or that i have a headache she will say 'well do you have your period' ahem...good grief mom...don't say it.

8. i have no self control. if there are any goodies at all in the house i will eat it all until it's gone. it's not like i sit down and gorge in one big portion. i will make trip upon trip to the kitchen having little tastes until it's all completely gone. this can go on for days and puffed wheat squares will replace meals.

9. i can touch my tongue to my nose. i'm not sure when i discovered this little hidden talent. this ability is either attributed to the length of my tongue or the size of my nose...i am yet to determine which. it's not pretty...you will never see it.

10. i hate public washrooms. i hate them. i will go to great lengths to avoid using one and am very thankful that god blessed me with a largish bladder. i don't know; large or maybe strong? all i know is i can hold it for a long time...long time.

the seven people that i choose to give this award to are:

summer at summer harms

catherine at corner of cats mind

cheryl at clb

donna at kirkville

heather at free associations

courtney at wunderbug

katie at philigry

i love reading all of your blogs. some of you are my friends in 'real' life, while some of you are my blogger friends. each of you enrich my life and i have felt blessed to be included in yours; whether over coffee of in front of my computer...

warm from the oven

banana bread made special for me warms my heart and feeds my soul. banana bread you are the perfect comfort food and i have very much enjoyed you! thank you brigitte for the lovely treat; it was so thoughtful & special....

white washing

i have a little project that i will be working on in the near future and it involves white washing. what a perfect way to bring a cheery cottage feel to any space....i will be revealing closer to december...i am yet to start my white washing work.

the top two images are the shade of white wash i am hoping to achieve....a little more of an opaque white version without being painted plain white.


image via: house beautiful


image via: house beautiful


image via: house & home


image via: sarah's cottage hgtv


image via: sarah's cottage hgtv

i'm feeling inspired. white seems to have that effect on me! so looking forward to rolling up my sleeves and getting to work on my november project!

love. smile. happy. thankful.

today felt like a dress day. it is autumn after all so it felt like a dress day with tights. loving tights these days...in various hues and textures. loving that we are getting a few days of true fall weather. loving my tree in the front yard....in the spring it brings with it pretty pink blossoms and in the fall cherry red berries grace the branches. little tree...you make me happy.

oh hello shiny shoes! you make me smile (even though you're not comfortable) because you are pretty. i think that you and the charcoal ribbed tights will be great friends...


an audrey style dress makes me happy....


to smile again makes me happy...

even in trying times there are things to be happy for, things that bring a smile, things to be thankful for. do stop by marta's blog and let her know what you're thankful for on her project :: thankful post. take some time while you're there to look around {she is my favourite daily read...creative, thought provoking, inspiring, sweet marta} her project :: thankful post got me thinking about what i'm thankful for and what makes me happy....this is just a little snippet from my day for you...

i would love to know what made you happy today?

dear grandpa,

today brought with it your time to leave us.
the world feels different today; things feel as though they'll never be the same again and the thought of it saddens my soul. saddens it so deeply i find it hard to comprehend; my chest is heavy. i feel lonely and i miss you.

a perfect constant you have been throughout my entire life; knowing that you would be there, encouraging & believing in me...and doing your share of worrying too. i'm left thinking how lucky i was to have had you all these years, to have felt your love & support, to have heard your voice and seen your smile time & time again. to have been your granddaughter. how lucky i have been.
my love and admiration for you has grown over the years; from looking at you through the eyes of a little girl; in awe of your wisdom and now seeing your strength, honesty, authenticity, kindness, & love as an adult. i have beautiful memories stacked upon memories of you. i tuck them away carefully, i hold them near, i protect them & nurture them, i go to them often.....i always have, i always will.

you are my grandpa and i your granddaughter; you are loved.

thinking of you i think about....
early morning bowls of porridge
picking wild strawberries & saskatoon berries
long horseback rides through the pastures
your deep gravely voice
the mischievous sparkle in your eye
how you would imitate my squeaky little voice & laugh at my silly antics
your big strong hands
your patience; catching tricky ponies galloping around the pasture so i could go for a ride.
your heavy horse team of belgians; the time you would take to hitch them up to feed your cattle each day.

the way your socks had to be perfectly smooth inside your boots; so fussy
telling me that 'you never fill up on dinner; make sure you always have room for dessert.'

seeing you a week ago today, you looked frail, so small....you talked to me about my life....you know who i am, you understand me. you love me...i know this. i can feel this. i kissed your forehead and whispered to you that i love you. i said goodbye, though at the time i didn't realize that this would mean forever. i am grateful i didn't know....how would i have been able to leave your room that day? i did look back, memorizing you just as you were that day. always i will remember how sweet you looked; cozy & snuggled in.

today brought with it your time to say goodbye. softly and quietly you drifted away from your physical self....but your soul surrounds me. your love is in me. you spirit is present with me.

oh grandpa you have meant so much to me....i love you; from the moment i met you all the way to who i am today....i have loved you. my kindred spirit...my grandpa.

{photos were brought to my parent's tonight, taken by dear family friend robyn wheat. mom scanned them & sent them to me. i felt i wanted to add them here....i'm proud to say that my grandpa was a true horseman.}

monday reflections

i'm okay with where i am right now. i accept the direction things are going. i believe in myself and i'm amazed by my strength and my courage. i have a heart full of love. i have faith. i have hope. i know who i am. i accept who i am, and look forward to meeting who i will become. i am generous with my heart; i love with every ounce of my being....

i was breezing along, right in the middle of planning out how my life was going to go when i was stopped dead in my tracks. have you ever been there? thinking you have an idea of what your future will look like when suddenly you find yourself on another path. i'm there now...and i'm okay with that. the old saying 'when god closes a door, he opens a window' rings very true to me these days. i have faith in god. i have faith that he will guide me through this journey revealing pieces of his plan as i am able to comprehend and understand it. i have faith.

what i can say with certainty is that all of you who have supported me, shown me love and kindness is an extension of god's love for me. he has placed you in my life for a reason and i am so very grateful for you all...

image

an autumn saturday

saturday brought with it a beautiful autumn day. the sun's rays warmed the earth and the blue skies were refreshing to see after what seemed like a long absence. britt & i ventured out to walk luka, careful not to waste such a lovely day. our little journey translated into many steps spread over almost three hours...it was just what my spirit needed to feel revived. taking off my coat rather than wishing i had brought mittens along gave me a simple pleasure...winter you aren't welcome quite yet. we walked through the grave yard...i had never been there before and i found it peaceful, quite and beautiful. the leaves had gently scattered over the grass and the sun reflected off pieces of granite & slate which mark the resting places of so many loved ones; one very special loved one. i feel honoured to have reflected there with you...

second cup

i find myself here on a tuesday afternoon. first day back after the long weekend. and i feel the urge coming on.....knowing that i need yet another cup of coffee to get me through the remainder of my day.
yes, i can hear you now mom.....'you should be limiting your caffeine intake and decaf tastes the same anyways...' i know. & it doesn't. understand that it is only one o'clock....many an hour left to go....and it's the caffeine part of the coffee that i'm after....

{image via starbucks}

thanksgiving weekend

thanksgiving weekend. the world outside my window is covered in white. early october has brought fluffy flakes, frosty windows, and snowy schnauzer beards....


taking a moment now to think about what i have to be thankful for this thanksgiving weekend...
my family; i love you, i love you, i love you some more
hugs & laughter
luka bear snuggles & my wool slippers
the determination & strength of my spirit
a warm home filled with pieces of my soul
friendship; the welcoming, supportive kindness of my friends
my creativity
and most importantly....life. i am thankful for life and my strength to endure, to accept, and to move forward...

sunny side up II

further to my previous post titled 'sunny side up'....i have a confession. while i typed away my intentions for the day to you, the clock ticked on and on....till finally i was running behind. sadly no time for eggs, struggling to find the sweater i had in mind, and barely made it to the coffee line up...therefore my breakfast wish was pushed back to lunch. it was okay though as breakfast for lunch is truly one of my favourites...i savoured each bite.


things got a little toasty...but still looking tasty on my pretty pink plate


ever so enjoyable. my dad & me....we're fans up the sunny side up.

sunny side up

good morning wednesday. i think i'll start you off with two eggs sunny side up and a side of toast. i'm feeling so warm and cozy in my home and as i glance out my window the world around me looks blustery...i think i shall pull on a favourite fall sweater to face my day and most certainly i'll be picking up a coffee on my way to the office

sweaters, coffee & eggs....you are my friends.

gift giving

i enjoy giving gifts. i love wrapping them up special, finding just the right ribbon to match and watching the faces of my friends as i give them their little treat. a set of pretty blue towels for one sweet friend. a little house warming present for brittany. i hope you find them soft & cozy...



a ps note; britt...i hope you know what a special friend you are to me....love you.

change of heart

i found this photo, it's message was true & real and it made me think...
realizing that i'm not feeling so alone after all....
realizing that i love so many things in my life
i love my friends & family...the support you have shown me is overwhelming
i love snuggling with my pup and the love he gives me through tail wags and kisses
i love brisk fall air coming through my window as i lay under a warm wool duvet
i love just because hugs
i love egg salad sandwiches made with love
i love a good glass of wine surrounded by friends & paired with laughs
i love planning for road trips & weekend adventures
i love holding sweet little babies and kissing their soft cheeks
i love the feeling of home
i love life....

what do you love?

image

honest reflection

was it julia or was it just time?

i have wanted to and have thought about it for a long time, but just never seemed to get to it...until now. inspired by julie and julia i have found a new joy...the joy of cooking. i like the aroma that transforms our house into a home, i love setting the table, dishes, cutlery and special napkins...
my latest kitchen creation was not one, but two, delightful recipes that cheryl gave me during our recent visit to toronto...

introducing...cheryl's chicken parmesan

4 Chicken Breasts
1 egg lightly beaten
1/2 c. bread crumbs
3 Tblsp butter
1 jar pasta sauce
1/2 cup grated mozzarella
1 Tblsp grated parmesan cheese

Flatten chicken with rolling pin between 2 sheets parchment paper. Dip chicken in egg and coat with bread crumbs. Melt butter in frying pan over medium heat. Fry chicken until tender and no pink remains. Place chicken in deep pan or casserole, cover with sauce and cheeses. Bake 350 degrees for 30 min and then broil until cheese browns. Serve with pasta.



cover with mozzarella


now top it off with grated parmesean cheese


by the time this dish was completed the natural light of the day was gone...so my colours are a little skewed...


this asian coleslaw salad is b's favourite....simple, fast & yummy.

1/2 c. almonds
1 Tblsp sesame seeds
1/4 c. sunflower seeds
toast all above in 350 degree oven for 5 min or until golden



1 bag coleslaw mix
1 pkg bean sprouts (optional)
2 c. sliced mushrooms
2 green onions chopped
1 pkg instant noodles crushed

Dressing
seasoning package from noodles
1/2 c. oil
2 1/2 Tblsp soy sauce
3 Tblsp vinegar
1 Tblsp sugar
1/2 tsp pepper
combine and add just before serving.



i enjoyed sharing a cooking space with my special friend brittany...you have been such a sweet friend to me and i love you like a sister....may we share many a conversation over a tasty meal...

colour me turquoise

turquoise, as you know, is a favourite of mine. i love the seaside feel that fills my room....please come along, i would like to invite you on a little tour...

the sideboard was a thrift find which i painted white and replaced the broken glass door with chicken wire. i love how it turned out...cottage charm, i think.




a bee catcher in turquoise makes me happy.




i swear that this picture came to me in my dreams and i didn't stop the hunt until i set my eyes on it....oh and i just knew that it had to be mine. i adore the colours and the mood that it brings to this space.


this little tea pot seems perfect with turquoise trim...

snacking & thinking

touches of red are beginning to splash across the apples which fill the branches of our trees. it seemed to me one day at lunch that perhaps my colleagues would enjoy an apple for an afternoon snack and i had just the perfect container to take them in...what's not to love about a crate full of tasty fresh apples? when i find myself picking; there are so many apples to choose from. i often wish i could stretch a bit further...it doesn't matter how high i am or get, it seems i always see a better, bigger, redder apple just out of my reach. such as life i suppose. when we find ourselves searching and reaching towards new goals is it because we aren't content with where we are in life or is it simply human nature to encourage ourselves to grow?